Path of forgiveness
by subway20
Summary: Post "Grave". Willow is in England with Giles, and must deal with her sorrow and her guilt. This is my first fanfic, so reviews and feedbacks are highly welcome.
1. Default Chapter

**Part 1: Leaving Sunnydale**

"There you are, Miss, Sir, seats 76A and 76B. Boarding will take place at gate 13, in twenty minutes." With a commercial smile, the Sunny Airlines employee held out the boarding pass to the strange couple who stood behind the counter. Neither of them reacted. Both seemed to be in a sort of trance.

"Oh, sorry. Twenty minutes, right?" a muddled Giles finally said, taking the boarding pass. He smiled at her, and turned on his heels before leaving towards the boarding gate. The employee couldn't help but notice he was firmly holding the arm of the young redheaded woman who was with him.

She stared at them. "What could have happened to them?"

She was pretty puzzled. Usually she wasn't paying much attention to the passengers. But these two... the middle-aged, but charming Englishman looked bruised, like a boxer after a knock-out. His neck seemed scratched, as if it had been clawed by a wild beast. That was a big contrast to his impeccable clothes - a tweed suit and a silk tie.

And the thin young woman he was holding up... it looked like she was about to faint. Her extreme paleness and the deep dark rings under her eyes showed with no doubt that she had been through very difficult times. And her glance... all the pain of the world could be seen in her large green eyes. It was impossible not to notice her.

"They fly away, they probably left everything behind" the Sunny Airlines agent thought. "They have practically no luggage, except for the tiny bag the Englishman is carrying, and the redhead has nothing at all but her passport and her plane ticket. I guess something really serious happened to them."

She looked at them one last time, as they disappeared into the airport crowd. Leaving Sunnydale behind them. Sunnydale where everything has begun, and everything has almost ended, only a few hours before.

It was only after takeoff, and the plane had gained enough altitude, that Giles felt his muscles relax. With a sigh, he allowed himself to close his eyes for the first time since they had left the Magic Box. If he had been alone, it wouldn't have taken him long to fall deeply asleep. But with Willow by his side, this was impossible. He opened his eyes, looked to his left. The young Witch was curled up against the window. Her eyelids were closed, her mouth was trembling. A big tear ran down her cheek. She hadn't said a word in two hours, ever since Giles had told her that they were leaving for England, now, immediatly.

Giles didn't know how to react. He had expected anything but this silence, and her surprising lack of rebellion. That was worrying him. He had had his share of "Dark Willow", thanks a lot, he had even risked his neck confronting her, but this Willow... she seemed broken. Since she had left Xander's embrace (and God knows how difficult it had been to convince the young man to let her go, he didn't want to leave his best friend, even for a single minute), it seemed that she had suddenly taken all the weight of the world on her shoulders. That world she had been so close to destroying forever...

Giles sighed, again. Was this hasty departure a good thing ? Or a huge mistake ? He'd had to decide it very quickly; After what she had done, it was obvious that Willow couldn't stay in Sunnydale anymore. For her own sake, and for her friends'. And Giles didn't want to abandon her. He simply couldn't do that.

Of course, he held a grudge against her. And to tell the truth, he was disappointed by her. The girl he was so proud of, the so clever and and so kind Willow, seemed to have vanished to become this angry, bitter girl. He could understand her pain, of course - that was not even a question. But when he heard about what happened to Tara, he was far to imagine Willow's reaction. Killing Warren - that wasn't the right thing to do, obviously, but that was, well, rather understandable after all. But trying to destroy the world... and her own friends... he still couldn't believe she wanted to do so.

But he still loved her. Like his own daughter. Like he loved Buffy. "I've never told them" Giles realized. "I've never told them how much they were important to me. And I needed these terrible events, when we could all have been killed, to realize that I loved them so much... Bloody hell, Rupert, you're a fool. A silly old fool."

He had probably said these last words out loud, because the passenger in the seat to his right suddenly glanced at him with concern. Giles sank deeper into his seat.

Willow opened her eyes to see a dark, cloudy sky. The plane was banking slightly to the left. The cockpit was almost plunged in darkness, except for the sidelights used by the few passengers who were still awake.

On her right, she could see a sleepy Giles. His left hand, which had tensely gripped the armrest when they had taken off, was now relaxed. But despite of this, and even in his sleep, his face seemed lined and tensed. For the first time since long ago, Willow realized he wasn't so young anymore. The smooth, young face of the British librarian, the one they met in Sunnydale High, was now an old memory.

"So many things have happened" Willow thought bitterly. "We're not the same people we were. I'm not the same anymore. I'm done. I know that, Giles knows that. So why England ? Why is he taking me so far away, if it's not to punish me, to lock me up, or even maybe to kill me."

She couldn't help but shiver. Her arm collided with Giles', and the Watcher woke up immediatly. He looked at her, and as if he had guessed her thoughts, he gently but firmly said: "You've got nothing to fear, Willow."

The young redheaded Witch had a weak smile. She was close to tears. She pressed her forehead against the window. But soon, and despite her efforts, she couldn't prevent the tears from falling down her cheeks. Again.

A moved Giles stared at her. He wished he could take her in his arms, tell her the words that could lighten her pain. But this wasn't the right time. Not yet.

He looked at the young redhead silently crying next to him, and everything came back into his mind. Like devastating flashbacks. The first time he met Willow. The shy highschool girl who didn't even dare look at him when she was talking to him. The computer geek, the whiz kid who was ignored by her own family.Xander's best friend and surrogate sister And then the brilliant, sparkling young woman who gained so much self confidence thanks to Buffy Summers' friendship. The radiant girlfriend of Oz the werewolf-musician. The witty and talented college student. And of course the powerful Wicca, Tara's soulmate. Tara, who was now dead.

Giles felt anger well up inside him. Not against Willow, but against himself. "I couldn't protect them" he thought with sadness. "They were children, and I didn't succeed in protecting them." "At the very time they needed me the most, I left like a coward. And this is the result."

He remembered that night, in the Summers' kitchen, months ago. The confrontation with Willow. The harsh words he had used to tell her she was wrong, selfish and pretentious. He had called her an "arrogant amateur". He really wanted to hurt her at the moment, maybe because he was feeling so guilty himself. He remembered the surprise and the lack of sympathy in her eyes when he said these words. Later that night he had wanted to go and talk to her, to calmly explain what he really thought, but he hadn't. And a few weeks later, he had left for England.

The voice of the plane captain suddenly echoed from the loudspeakers, distracting Giles from his dark thoughts. The plane was beginning its descent to London.

The sky was cloudy, and Miss Harkness thought this Monday was going to be another rainy day. Hands on her hips, she looked around with satisfaction. The room was ready. She had wanted to take care of everything by herself, and Mr Giles had given very specific instructions on the phone. The room needed to be very sober, almost monastic. A bed, a table and chair, a small cupboard. No pictures on the walls, and although Miss Harkness was reluctant to do this, she had to get rid of every object linked with magic. So no candles, stones or magical herbs of any kind. Unlike in the other rooms.

But she completly trusted Giles, and he seemed to care a lot about the young girl. "I must protect her, and foremost from herself", he had said to the Head Sorceress of the Coven.

The sudden sound of a car horn made her start. She looked through the window, and saw the big black cab of James Lurskash, a hometown guy. She rushed to the stairs, as fast as she could (it wasn't easy considering she was rather fat and was wearing her long Sorceress dress). But she really wanted to be the first to welcome her new guest.

Once out on the porch, she realized that not even one of the Coven's occupants had gone outside to meet the new visitors. She turned back just to see a curtain moving behind one of the first floor windows, and to notice the shadows of several students in the main room downstairs. She sighed. Quite obviously things were going to be rough. Maybe even worse than she had predicted. She had tried to keep the secret, but as usual the news had already spread throughout the Coven. And it seemed that nobody was really eager to welcome a Witch who had almost destroyed the world, and only 48 hours ago.

She looked at Rupert Giles as he walked towards her, he seemed so tired, and she immediatly noticed the wounds on his neck and cheeks. Without a word, she hugged him, not too tight, because she guessed that the scars were only the visible part of his bruised body. Giles sighed, and whispered in her ear: "Everything's fine". Denying the obvious, Miss Harkness thought.

And then, at last, she looked at the young woman who had just got out from the cab. The Coven mistress was struck by the girl's youth, and by her fragile appereance. So the powerful Witch who had let herself be overwhelmed by her power and her dark side, was that lost girl, with those green eyes reddened by the tears and that freckled, diaphanous skin. She was looking down, as she didn't allow herself to move. Miss Harkness moved closer to her and simply said: "Welcome, Willow".

Then Willow slowly raised her eyes, and stared at Miss Harkness. The old witch couldn't help but step back. Willow's green gaze was sharp, even through the tears. "I can see, thought Miss Harkness with shock. Oh yes, I can see everything. The incredible pain of this girl. It's overwhelming. Her guilt, but her strength as well. It's like she has nothing to loose now. And I can feel, oh, I feel her inner fight to choose between the Good and the Bad. And oh God, she's only at the beginning of the path. And she doesn't know it yet".

Willow looked down again, and with a tiny, weak voice, said "...Thank you". Nothing else. She started to shiver, as she has guessed the thoughts of the Coven mistress.

Miss Harkness glanced at Giles, who shrugged, and nodded to her silent question. The only thing to do now was to go inside, and they followed Miss Harkness into the main room. As they entered, some pupils who were sitting near the book shelves suddenly got up and rushed outside. Miss Harkness frowned, and Giles noticed.

"We'd better go to my office", Miss Harkness said with a forced smile. "It's upstairs".

Giles took Willow by her right elbow, afraid that the redhead was about to faint again. He asked himself if her bad condition was caused by the repercussions of the dark magic or by something else.

"That's the last straw, Giles thought bitterly. I'm the one who's wounded, because of her, and it's as if she is going to pass out anytime." He helped her to climb the stairs, without saying a word.

Miss Harkness' office was warm, like its owner. There was a huge fireplace in one corner. And under normal circumstances, Willow would have certainly been eager to explore the great library filled with rare books and old parchments. But she sat on the edge of an armchair without giving them a glance, while Giles took place on the couch, near Miss Harkness.

"Do you have any questions, Willow ?" asked the old woman gently.

Willow glanced at Giles, and said in a weak voice: "No. No questions. Only a request."

"I'm not sure you can really request anything", Giles thought. But he chose not to react. At least she was talking.

"We're listening", Miss Harkness said, she felt rather surprised and uncomfortable.

"I... I would like it to be quick. I don't want it to last. I know I deserve to suffer, but I don't think I could stand it. Please do it quickly" Willow said.

Giles and Miss Harkness looked at each other. First they were staggered , then Giles suddenly realized what she had meant. He leaned over Willow, trying to catch her evasive gaze.

"Willow... you really believe we're going to... to kill you ? You think that I've brought you here for that ?"

The young Witch looked at the Watcher, and saw anger in his eyes. Anger and pain, too. Beside him, Miss Harkness seemed stunned.

"I... I don't know..." the readhead mumbled. "Well, it seems logical. What other sentence for someone who wanted to destroy the world, and who almost succeeded. I deserve it. Not to mention that I killed a human being too."

"You don't decide what you deserve", Giles cut her short. "Please let us have this privilege. And let me tell you, realizing that you might think of me as your... torturer... it hurts me more than the wounds you caused me. And that are still painful, incidentally."

Willow looked down, ashamed. But Giles didn't want to stop. "Now look at me ! Willow, look me in the eyes, if you still have some courage and honesty. I brought you here to save you, because I want to believe you can still be saved. It's not a punishment. Because no punishment would be appropriate for what you've done. Even death would be too gentle."

These last words echoed round the large room. Miss Harkness, who looked shocked, was about to say something, but was surprised to see a thin smile on Willow's face. "We agree at last, Giles", the readhead said. The Watcher sighed, and decided not to add anything. For the moment.

Miss Harkness got up from the couch and in an attempt to lighten the mood, said smiling: "Rupert, I'm sure that Willow has understood that she is safe here. Now, you must be exhausted, both of you, and I suggest that you get some rest. Your rooms are ready. They are in the left wing. It's very quiet here. I'm sure you'll like it."

Once in his room, Giles felt himself overcome by tiredness and discouragement. The only thing he wanted was to get into bed and fall asleep. But he had something to do before, something important.

He checked his watch, and calculated the time it was in California. The morning, but not too early. This was perfect. He took his cell phone from the pocket of his tweed jacket, and dialed Buffy's number.

She picked up the phone almost immediatly. "Summer's residence !" Strangely her voice seemed very close, as if she was in the next room, and not thousands of miles away.

"Buffy, it's me", said Giles.

"Giles !" exclaimed Buffy. "At last ! Are you calling from England ? How was the trip ? How's Willow doing ? Are you still suffering from your wounds ? And..."

"Buffy", interrupted Giles, who couldn't help but smile while hearing his Slayer's babbling. "Buffy, it's OK. We're at the Coven, as planned. The trip was alright. I... I'd say I'll get over it. And about Willow... well, considering the circumstances, she's not so bad. She's alive, Buffy, and that's all that matters for the time being."

At first the Slayer remained silent. Then Giles heard Buffy whispering with an unusually weak voice: "Giles... everything fell apart. Do you think... do you think it will get better soon, because it really can't get any worse. We lost my mother, then Tara. And Will... isn't Will anymore. Do you believe we'll get our good old Willow back ?"

Giles sighed. He could feel his Slayer's pain, and helplessness.

"I really don't know, Buffy. It's a little too soon to tell if... if our Willow, as you say, will come back to us.And to tell you the truth, I'm afraid she won't be the same anymore. Without... without Tara. I'm here to prevent her from destroying herself, because I'm afraid she could... you know... kill herself. But don't worry, Buffy. I won't let her do that. For the moment, all I can say is that the path will be very, very long."

"But you still have hope, Giles, haven't you ?"

The Englishman hesitated. He didn't want to lie to his Slayer, but he didn't want to discourage her either. She has had her own share of suffering, more than anyone else.

"Buffy... I will keep you informed. I promise. I will tell you everything. But now, we have to... we have to recover. I promise I'll put all my heart into helping Willow."

"I know that, Giles. I don"t doubt it. "

"Do you want... do you want to talk to her ?" the Watcher asked.

Buffy sighed, and then said with the same tiny voice as before:

"Giles, I don't... I don't think so. Not now. Not yet. I am... I'm really worried about her, and I do care about her, but I guess I'm also very angry. What she has done, to Dawn, to you Giles, and to us all... I'm still too pissed at her to say anything useful. So I don't think it will be a good idea to talk to her right now."

Giles felt some anguish in the young woman's voice.

"I understand. Don't worry, Buffy, I totally understand, and I agree. Time will heal the pain, and I'm not only speaking about my own wounds. "

They talked for a little while, about insignificant things, like weather in England, and jet lag, and then Buffy told Giles how Dawn, Xander and Anya were dealing with all the recent dramatic events.

They eventually hung up, and the Englishman needed only a few minutes to sink into a deep sleep.

In her own room, next door, Willow lay awake on her bed, eyes wide open, gazing at the ceiling. She still had her jacket on, and even her shoes. She was having difficulty breathing, and she had a headache. A very painful one. She had it since the landing in London, and at first she had thought about asking Miss Harkness to give her some painkillers, but she hadn't. The physical pain was so intense that her mind was forced to focus on it, which left the real pain behind, at least for the time being.

Because inwardly, Willow felt devastated. When she had realized, a few minutes ago, in Miss Harkness' office, that Giles hadn't brought her to England to kill her, but to save her, the relief had been short-lived, and she was still feeling terribly bad. Everytime she closed her eyes, she could hear that awful sounds - the sound of the gunfire, the sound of the window broken by the bullet, and then Tara's last words "Your shirt..."

Again, and again. These words, and the blood on her shirt. Her lover's blood. That couldn't be real.

Willow knew that death would have been kind to her, by comparison with the hell she was living since the moment Tara had been killed. She also knew that things could only get worse, because now she had to live with what happened, and she was sure she wouldn't be able to do so. Life wasn't worth it now. How come Giles and the others couldn't understand that ? Tara would have understood. But Tara was gone forever.

Giles was tossing and turning in bed, unable to get back to sleep. He had been given an eiderdown, and several pillows, and the Coven employees had been waiting on him hand and foot, but the mattress was rather uncomfortable, and not large enough (nothing compared to the American King size beds, he couldn't help but think, and he smiled to himself - well, not so British any longer !).

He slept for two hours, a dreamless sleep, as if his exhausted body had finally won the fight with his nervous tension. But now he was perfectly awake, his mind on the look-out. And he was still suffering from some of his wounds, although the Coven nurses had applied several ointments, and Miss Harkness herself had used a calming spell. It worked at the time, but now the effect seemed to have worn off.

He switched on the light, got up and went to the small bathroom that separated his bedroom from Willow's. His throat was dry, he desperately needed to drink. He took the glass from the edge of the washbasin, filled it with fresh water, and drank.

He lifted his eyes and looked at himself in the mirror. He was pale, and that made the scars on his neck and on his forehead all the more visible.

"You've been much better, Rupert" he mumbled to himself. But he knew that these wounds would heal. In a few days, the scars would be gone. It wasn't that that was worrying him.

He was about to get back into bed when he heard some noise from the other room. He pressed his ear to the wall and listened. His heart felt the pain when he heard her. She was crying. She was even sobbing, as he could hear. Willow's sorrow was so intense it seemed to be crossing the walls, like waves of pain. Giles moved back, he was shattered and relieved at the same time. Maybe it was a good thing for her to express her pain with the tears, it was much better than her former silence.

But the Watcher was worried, because the waves of anger and pain he could feel were very powerful. It could only be the product of her dark magic, the magic that almost killed them all.

"That makes sense ", Giles thought. "She can't be all magic-free by... magic. That's why she's here, after all, and why I'm here with her. To help her to deal with that, and with her terrible loss."

Tomorrow he would go and see Miss Harkness. Willow needed a treatment to drain the remaining powers from her body and mind. Only then would it be the right time to talk about the future of the young Witch. A future without the kind, sweet blonde-haired Wiccan they loved so much. That would be the most difficult part, for sure.

Willow was still sobbing, and Giles sat on his bed, head in his hands. If only he could soothe her. He wished he could go into her room and take her in his arms. But it wasn't the right time. Not yet. She had to face her pain alone. He also knew she wouldn't agree to any external help. She was certainly thinking she didn't deserve any compassion. And Giles understood totally why.

The next morning, at dawn, Giles went to Miss Harkness' office. He knew that the venerable Sorceress was an early riser. And she was there, her glasses on, reading an old book. She smiled when she saw Giles come in.

"Rupert, did you sleep well ? Do you feel better ?"

"Yes, really indeed," Giles lied.

She smiled at him, but she wasn't fooled by him. He still looked exhausted.

"And what about our new guest ?" she asked.

Giles sighed.

"I'm afraid she hasn't slept much. I expect her night has been... very difficult. That's why I'm here so early. I'm really worried."

Miss Harkness took Giles' hands in hers. "Rupert, we both know this girl had been through very difficult times, and we also both know that she will soon have to face even more difficult moments. You won't be able to protect her from all of that; She has to face up to her own demons. Do you think she can handle it ? "Miss Harkness asked.

Giles considered the Sorceress' question before answering it.

"Willow is... an amazing young woman. Her abilities are... I think she doesn't even know how great her potential is. Her own world has just collapsed in a few seconds, and she hasn't been herself since that moment, which is understandable. But I do trust her. I have faith in her. And all I want to do now is help her, as much as I can."

Miss Harkness smiled. "That was the answer I was fishing for, Rupert. We, I mean the Coven and myself, of course, will do everything possible to help her too". She pointed to the book on her desk.

"The most urgent thing is to find a way to eradicate the dark magic left within her. I think I've found, in this book, the right formula to do so without damage. Nevertheless, you must be aware this could be dangerous. She used such incredible powers, I'm afraid their echoes could still cause some damage. We must be very careful."

"Last night..."mumbled Giles. "Last night, I felt some waves of anger and pain, crossing through the walls of her room. It was... powerful, and overwhelming."

Miss Harkness got up. "So we must act now. We haven't got much time. Besides the fact that she could endanger the whole Coven, this could lead her to self-destruction. I'm going to gather our most experienced members right now. We will start the Ceremony in two hours at the latest."

She came nearer the Watcher, trying to catch his glance. "Rupert, do you really want to be there ? You don't have to. I will understand perfectly if..."

"I want to be there, Miss Harkness. That's not even the point. I won't leave her alone", Giles said firmly.

"Well then", said the Head of the Coven. "So I'll put you in charge of bringing Willow to the Board Chamber, at eight o'clock."

Willow's heart was pounding, but she was trying to keep calm. She didn't succeed though. Beads of sweat apperead on her forehead, and at the roots of her red hair. And she couldn't help but shiver.

Giles could see that, he could see everything that was happening to her, but he had to remain neutral. He had given the young Witch a minimal explanations, only telling her that the Coven had to carry out a sort of a purification incantation, to help her to fully get rid of the dark magic.

He hadn't mentioned the possible side effects, and the enormous risk.

The Board Chamber was almost dark, and that only made the atmosphere more oppressive, if that were possible. The Sisters were making a circle round a red cross, drawn on the floor, and Willow saw four lighted candles at an equal distance from the center of the cross.

Miss Harkness entered the room, and gently put her hands on Willow's shoulders. The young Witch let the Head of the Coven lead her.

"Sit down just right here, on the cross," Miss Harkness said, while putting

a slight pressure on the redhead's shoulders. The young American obeyed her, and sat down cross-legged.

«On your knees !» the rough voice of one of the Sisters said. Willow knelt down, shivering.

Giles, who was standing back, frowned and held his tongue. He didn't like the way things were going. Willow was shaky enough. He didn't want her to feel humiliated.

As she felt Giles' reluctance, Miss Harkness said another time the very words she has said to Willow at their arrival: "You've got nothing to fear, dear. We just want to help you."

The young Witch nodded, and closed her eyes.

The incantation rose up from the Sisters. Giles understood Latin perfectly well, but was too tense to get the meaning of the words they were chanting.

The Sisters' voices became louder. Suddenly the room became misty and darker. The heat was oppressive. Willow was still shivering, but soon she began to sweat. A slight moan came from her lips. Her eyes were still closed, and she could feel her body tense. Then she felt the cold coming over her, it was like she was dying inside, it was unbearable. She slid down. Her eyes opened, and she tried to scream - but no sound came out of her mouth. Miss Harkness, Giles and the Sisters saw her open mouth, and guessed her yell. Her face was distorted by the pain. Giles felt his own heart almost stop. The Sisters were still chanting, their voices even louder, and Willow felt the room spinning as intense pain pierced her breast. It was like she had been clawed. Like her heart had just exploded. Thousands of pieces which were now scattered around the Chamber. She screamed, and this time her yell was heard through the whole Coven, and the echo resonated far beyond the green and peaceful English countryside.

Willow fainted, without realizing that a deeply moved Giles had just left the room.

"You were right, Rupert. I must recognize that your protegee has got significant potential. She came through the ritual remarkably well."

Giles startled. He couldn't believe his ears.

"Remarkably, you said ? So why on earth did she suffer like this ? You told me the ritual could be painful. You didn't tell me it was going to be unbearable."

"Rupert, I've never said that Willow wouldn't be hurt. Physical pain is a part of the purification spell, you know that. The intensity of the pain is not predictable, but it is said to be proportional to the original one - the pain that caused Willow's destructive anger.

Miss Harkness sighed. "And I'm afraid that means a lot about Willow's sorrow since the... the tragic events."

Giles nodded. He told Miss Harkness the whole story, because she had to know everything. Warren's murder attempt on Buffy, the stray bullet that had killed Tara, and what happened just after, the "Dark Willow" part. But he didn't say much about the Tara-Willow relationship.

That's why he was staggered when he heard Miss Harkness softly ask:

"This blonde young Wiccan... the one who died... she was her soul mate, wasn't she ?"

Giles didn't answer at first. The Head of the Coven looked to the Watcher's damp eyes, and she knew that she was right. As always.

"...Soulmates, yes, Miss Harkness. That's what they were. But Tara Maclay is now dead. And Willow Rosenberg, the sweetest girl on earth, is a killer. And may be worse, the most hopeless person I've ever seen", Giles eventually said with sadness.

Miss Harkness sighed. That was going to be much more difficult than she had thought at first. She knew the Coven would help Willow to control her magic power, but dealing with her pain would be another story. She wasn't really optimistic. Something she definitely couldn't tell Giles.

Giles and Miss Harkness spent the next two hours working on a rehabilitation class schedule for Willow. First they carefully chose the courses that were essential for her recovery, like "History of the Magic" and "Traditional Witchcraft" and "Botany for Beginners". These subjects had been taught at the Coven for centuries. They both agreed that the "Defense Against the Dark Arts" course wasn't appropriate for the time being. Later, when Willow was feeling better (if she ever would, Giles couldn't help but think), this subject would obviously become important. But the main thing for now was to protect her from a relapse.

But Giles knew that it would not relieve her from her despair.

"And of course", Miss Harkness said as if she had guessed the Watcher's thoughts, "It's crucial for Willow to be tutored. She needs a guidance adviser."

"Do you have someone at the Coven ?" Giles asked.

"Well, yes. And I must confess I've already thought of someone... but I wanted to ask you first."

"It's a tricky choice",a worried Giles said. "Because you know, Willow seems so... so lost, so far away from herself since... since everything happened. It will be very difficult for anyone to gain her confidence."

"I know that. And that's why I thought Sara might be the best choice. She's one of our best Wicca, and she is only ten years older than Willow. I believe the closeness of age will help."

Giles had only met Sara once, so it was difficult for him to decide, but he fully trusted Miss Harkness.

"So, Sara it is", he smiled. "That guidance thing might help. But I also think she needs some rest, some time alone."

"I agree", Miss Harkness said gently. She could feel anxiety in the Watcher's voice. "Don't worry, Rupert, we don't want to harass her. It's out of the question. She will have some free time, of course, and she will have full access to the gardens. But I think it's better for her to remain in the Coven area, at least for now."

"Well, I guess she's not even thinking about leaving", Giles sighed. "To tell you the truth, I'm afraid she won't be leaving her room for a while."

After the painful ceremony, a halfunconscious Willow was brought back to her room. She lay on her bed, prostrate. It seemed she wasn't suffering any more, at least from physical pain, but she was broken. Her eyes, those large green eyes once so sparkling and mischievous, were now somewhat dull. Giles wouldn't admit it for all the money in the world, but he was dreadfully afraid that Willow, his Willow, would be lost for ever.


	2. 

Willow and Giles had been staying at the Coven for three weeks, and the Watcher's wounds were now healed, but his sleep was still difficult. Every night he would be woken up by his nightmares, and every night he would hear the sobs coming from Willow's bedroom.During the day, the young Witch acted normally, though with no trace of emotion or feeling. She was going to her classes, and to her therapy sessions, without saying anything but the necessary words.

But at night... she gave free expression to her grief.

At first Giles had been relieved to hear her crying, it was a way to let out the pain, and that could be helpful. But now he was really worried, because it seemed that Willow's tears were endless. And everyday Giles wondered if she had slept the night before, even for a few hours. Because everyday she looked more exhausted and her eyes were still empty.

He had tried to talk to her about all that, but Willow was really like a stonewall now. The worst thing maybe was that she looked at him with what seemed like distrust and even fear. And that was so hurtful.

Giles had talked with Miss Harkness. The Head of the Coven told him to be patient. Willow had suffered a huge traumatism, and she needed some time to deal with her pain. And also with her guilt, because both knew that the redhead felt horribly guilty. Willow had wanted to destroy the earth because her own world had collapsed. She had lost everything, her lover at first, and then her friends and her hometown. And she had turned from victim to killer when she had flayed Warren alive.

The Watcher perfectly knew all that, but couldn't help but remain worried. What if Willow never got over her pain ? What if she let her dark side overcome her?

Of course Miss Harkness had her own point of view. She was optimistic, but that was her job, she was the Coven Mistress. And she had never met the old Willow, the one everyone loved, the bright, shiny girl, the soul of the Scooby Gang. Giles remembered his own words when, several years ago, he thought Willow had been killed by a vampire: "she was the best of all of us". And that was true. Without Willow, the Scoobies were no longer a gang. The family, their family, was broken.

Those were the gloomy thoughts Giles was brooding over the day he got the letter. That was the first time since their arrival that they got some mail from Sunnydale. A big envelope, containing four smaller ones inside. There was a long letter from Dawn, one from Buffy, and even a small note from Anya. All three worried about Giles, and were assuring him of their support and affection. Dawn's letter was written with turquoise blue ink, the favorite color of the teenager, and made no mention of Willow. Nor did Anya's. Buffy only briefly alluded to her best friend's situation, asking how she was dealing with all that happened.

Giles smiled when he took the fourth envelope, recognizing Xander's rough handwriting: "For Will."

He made his way towards the right wing of the Coven, he knew Willow was currently having her meditation course. Miss Harkness had been insistent with her to have a lesson twice a day, after breakfast and after lunch. The Coven had an expert in this subject in Mr Sun Haong, a Buddhist master.

Giles entered the lobby which led to the meditation room. He sat on the bench near the door and waited.

After a few minutes, the door opened and Giles heard the lilting voice of Mr Sun Haong, thanking Willow for her attention. The young Witch appeared, and immediatly froze when she saw Giles. But the Watcher noticed with relief that she looked a little better, less tired. Maybe the meditation lessons were starting to be useful.

He got up and gently touched Willow's shoulder. She couldn't help but shiver. Giles sighed. Willow's mistrust towards him still hurt.

He chose not to talk and simply held out the envelope. She slowly took it. Then she saw her name, and her glance flickered. She knew Xander's handwriting by heart since kindergarten.

"Your friends are still concerned about you, Willow," Giles simply said.

She nodded without saying a word, but her eyes were wet. She rushed outside, and Giles followed her, he didn't want to bother her but he was really worried. Then Willow stopped, turned back and looked him in the eyes, for the very first time since that day, the first one, in Miss Harkness' office. She softly said: "Thank you, Giles." The Watcher smiled at her. Well, maybe that wasn't much. But it was definitely a start.

Since her arrival, Willow had spent her few moments of free time outside, pacing the meadows and the hills of the Coven's property. When she wasn't attending her classes, during the day, or crying in her room, at night, she took refuge in the beautiful, green, English country.

She had a favorite place - a secret place she had found the second day. A small copse, sheltered from everything or everyone.

So this is where she naturally went that day, the envelope held tight in her hand. She sat down under her favorite tree - a big oak which reminded her the trees near the Summers' house. She stood against the trunk, took a deep breath, and with shaking hands, opened Xander's letter.

There was one sheet of paper, only one, but covered with the tiny, hasty writing of her friend. And he had used a yellow pen. No, a yellow crayon, she realized, and her heart bounced, and tears came to her eyes, once again. But for the first time these tears were not only tears of pain.

A yellow crayon. THE yellow crayon. Sweet, sweet Xander.

"_Will," _she read,_ "Will, believe me or not, but finding a yellow crayon was really difficult in this creepy town. You can find blue or black ones, of course, and green or red ones, no problem, but no yellow. _

_It seems you've broken them all, or may be some evil creature has. (Hey, kidding here). So that's mainly why it took me so long to write to you. Sorry._

"_OK, so that was the easy part. Kidding because I'm supposed to be funny guy, the Scooby clown. Kidding because I don't know how to start this letter. 'I hope you're all right', it sounds so stupid and obvious, because of course, I'm longing for you to be well and safe, but I also know that it's impossible. _

_Will, there is now an ocean between us, and I can still feel your pain, if only you could allow me to share it, I would take it all over me, believe me, just to protect you. _

"_Buffy heard from you by Giles, he told her that you were rather allright, alive, that's what he said. He told her the Coven was the right place for you to be, that you will find some help there. That you will find serenity. Little by little. Step by step. I want to believe him, and I hope you do, too._

_Will, I wish I could be in England with you. Giles said you have to deal with all this by yourself. Easy to say, he is by your side. He can take care of you. And I can't. I feel so useless now, alone on that good old Hellmouth (well, not so good, if you ask me). I don't know what to do, I so do need you, you know me, I've always needed my best friend to prevent me from doing some dumb things._

"_Willow, now it's the difficult part of this letter. But I must go through it. So, off I go._

_We buried Tara two days after you left. The ceremony was beautiful, very sad of course but beautiful. It was shiny, with a lot of sunshine, this kind of weather we had the day we were under the spell of the Lord of the Dance. You remember, of course. How could you not remember that?_

_Everybody was there. Buffy, Dawn, Anya, and even some girls from college, and I think some from the Wicca group where you met, Tara and you. _

_Dawn read a poem she had written, it was really touching. And Buffy said a few words, too, to express how much we missed her, we loved her. We were all very moved. Anya was crying her eyes out - yes, Anya, the ex vengeance demon. I think that says enough about how much we loved Tara. She was an angel and she can't be anywhere but in Heaven, you know that, Will, don't you?_

_When you'll be back, if you want to, we will go to her grave together. You will bring these little stones, I never really understood what they were for, but you will tell me. For the moment, I put a picture on the stone, a picture of you two."_

The letter slipped out of Willow's hand. Tears were running down her cheeks. The redhead was sobbing, again, but this time she didn't have to hold back her pain, she could cry loudly, because neither Giles nor Miss Harkness were near, and she didn't have to fake anymore.

She remained there for almost two hours, she read Xander's letter, again and again. The pain was still overwhelming, but she could feel this strange feeling - a presence, as if her best friend was here with her. As if she wasn't totally alone, after all.

From the Coven's terrace, Giles saw Willow coming back from the hill, Xander's letter tight in her left hand. From that point, the Watcher couldn't see well the face of the young Witch, but he noticed her walk was a little more steady than these past days. Maybe she was feeling a little better.

Giles knew that Willow had a hidden place. He had found out since the very first day, but she didn't know he was aware of it. He knew she needed to be alone sometimes, because during the day she was constantly under observation - Miss Harkness', Sara's, the students' and the teachers', and Giles' of course.

Everyone was looking at Willow as if she was a pack ready to explode. Some people looked at her with fear, other with commiseration. Giles hoped that his own glance wasn't expressing either of these feelings. He loved Willow, he loved her as he loved Buffy, Dawn or even Xander, but he had to admit (at first to himself) that may be he liked the redhead more than the others. Despite what she had done, the bond between them was now more powerful than ever. Giles had realized that while talking with Miss Harkness, who had helped him to clear up his own feelings. The head of the Coven had also warned the Watcher. From what she could see, they were really linked, and that could be either useful or dangerous. She hadn't insisted on that, but Giles had perfectly understood what she meant.

"How can I both have a grudge against her, and love her so much?" Giles asked himself.

He would probably never get the answer, he thought while watching her climbing the stairs which led to the terrace.

She still had tears marks on her cheeks, but she was almost smiling, and that was new. And the color of her beautiful green eyes seemed less pale, closer to the original emerald.

She looked at him, and their eyes locked. They remained silent for a moment and then the Watcher smiled and gently asked:

"So, how is our dear Xander?"

Willow smiled back. A small grin, but enough for Giles to feel his heart racing.

"True to form, I would say. And still... still my best friend, I guess."

"Were you doubting that?" Giles softly asked.

"Of course", Willow sighed. "They... they have all the reasons in the world to hate me. But Xander... it seems that Xander has the ability to forgive me whatever I can do. Even wanting to destroy the world isn't a good enough reason for him to end our friendship."

Giles smiled. "Well, I guess he's right. And you know... the others... Buffy and the gang... they don't hate you, not at all. You just have to give them some time."

"I guess time is the key," the young Witch sighed.

Giles hesitated, and cleared his throat. He had to tell her.

"And Willow... I hope you already know that I did. Forgive you, I mean. I haven't forgotten, but I've forgiven you."

Willow simply nodded. She knew that. But that was so good to hear.

She felt her eyes watering, again. She looked down and said with a weak voice:

"Giles, they... they buried Tara."

"I know," the Watcher softly replied.

"I wish... I wish I could be there. Even if I know it was impossible," she quickly added. "I miss her, Giles. I miss her so much..." her voice was choking with emotion.

"I know, Willow. I do miss her, too" the Watcher said. He felt very moved, and was close to tears himself. But he was happy too. She had said it. It was only a few words, but she had started to accept her sorrow.

They remained silent for a while, and then Giles said the only words which could bring her some comfort, at this very moment.

"... They took care of her, Willow. She was family. She ever will be. Like you."

And he moved closer, took her in his arms. And she let him hug her, she knew she could not be in a safer place right now.

From the window of her office, Miss Harkness was looking at them, pensively.


	3. 

Sara had been tutoring the young American Witch for more than a month now, and it only took her a few days to understand that the task would be difficult. Her job was to help Willow to regain self-confidence, and to help her controlling her powers and of course to use her magic skills advisedly. The main problem was that Willow wouldn't hear of it. She even refused to talk about spells, potions or anything connected with magic. Even the word itself seemed to scare her. She was okay to study all that Sara wanted, theoretically speaking. Ancient languages, botany, history... and she was quite obviously an quick learner. But she stubbornly refused to talk about what had happened. Or to do any spells, even the most innocuous ones.

Sara was very concerned, and she could feel the young Witch was prey to her own inner demons. Willow was fighting herself. She didn't speak much - she didn't speak at all, indeed, except for the everyday words. But Sara knew. And she could see, day after day, the dark rings under Willow's eyes grow deeper.

That's why she finally decided to talk to the redhead. Straight to the point.

"Willow, tell me honestly, have you slept a wink since your arrival?" Sara asked the girl one morning.

Willow looked at Sara like she was totally crazy. "Of course," she replied. "I've been here for weeks, so I've been sleeping. Inevitably."

"Yes, and for more than one hour a night?" Sara sharply said. She didn't want to give up, not now.

Willow gave her a surprised look. She didn't know exactly why but she felt a little guilty. And she liked Sara, she really did. The thirty-year-old Witch had been a real support these past weeks. She knew she owed her tutor an explanation.

"I don't know... well... maybe I don't sleep a lot, I've been having these... dreams... well, more nightmares than dreams actually... But, see, having nightmares, that means that I can sleep, I do sleep, because you can only have nightmares if you're not awake, well, I mean usually, cos in Sunnydale that could happen, but here..."

Willow held her tongue. That was the first time she has mentioned the name of her hometown in front of Sara.

The older Witch couldn't help but smile.

"Willow, do you realize that sentence is the longer you've said since you've been here?"

The readhead glanced at Sara. If only she knew. If she had met the old Willow, the babbling Willow... but that girl was dead now. Willow wasn't sure of much at the moment, but she was sure of that.

"I can promise to make longer sentences, if it will make you happy," Willow curtly said.

Sara frowned.

"Willow... I wish you understood that I'm not your enemy. I'm a little disappointed, I thought you knew that..."

Willow looked down, ashamed. She didn't want to hurt Sara, who was actually the only person, except Miss Harkness and Giles, of course, that was kind to her at the Coven.

"I know. I'm... I'm sorry. It's just that... I find difficult to... talk. To talk about... it."

"I can see that; And I can understand. But I can also see that you're far beyond exhaustion, and we have to do something. You need to sleep, Willow. You can't envisage going on, I mean going on living, if you don't sleep. I'm going to talk to Miss Harkness, and I think we can help you with that problem."

"You mean, with a spell?" asked a worried Willow.

"No, not a spell," Sara smiled. "To tell you the truth, I was thinking more about a potion, made with the suitable herbs. You've been studying Botany since you got here, so you know that some plants can have very powerful effects."

At first Willow didn't answer. She was feeling Sara's searching glance on her. She sighed, and after a while looked up. Green eyes locked with black eyes, and she simply said: "Okay."

The following evening, Sara gently knocked on Willow's small room door. She was a little anxious, because she hadn't seen the young Witch at dinner. But she knew by Giles, who had heard Willow's sobs from next room, that the redhead was in there. Giles had gone to find Sara and both had agreed on the fact that it was urgent to do something. And something powerful enough to provoke a reaction from Willow, who was slowly but surely sliding down the spiral of depression. She needed help to defeat her inner demons. A sleeping potion, that was a good idea for a start, but that wasn't enough. The problem was deeper than the lack of sleep Willow was obviously suffering from. Quite evidently, the Witch hadn't forgiven herself for all what she had done to her friends. And of course, Tara's tragic death was still haunting her.

Giles and Sara had talked for a while and they had agreed on the only decision that seemed possible. They had gone together to Miss Harkness' office, to inform her and to get her agreement. The head of the Coven was herself disoriented and moved by Willow's aspect. She even confessed she didn't know what to do. So she quickly agreed to Sara and Giles' request. She gave them a piece of paper with a name on it. And a phone number. That was the information they needed. Giles had immediatly headed off to make the phone call.

And now, Sara was standing behind Willow's door, a steaming mug in her hand. She had finally made the beverage that was supposed to help Willow sleeping. Receiving no answer from her knock, she decided to come in.

Willow was lying awake on her bed, staring at the ceiling. She had no reaction when Sara entered the room. The brunette Witch sat on the edge of the bed and gently touched the redhead's knee.

"Willow?"

The young Witch slowly moved her head to watch Sara.

"Hello" she said in a weak voice.

"We didn't see you at lunch tonight?"

"No hungry…" Willow sharply said. Then she quickly added, seeing Sara's concerned face:

"Sorry… but really it wasn't possible for me to eat something, and I wasn't in a… sociable mood…"

Sara couldn't help smiling.

"Because usually, you are..."

Willow shrugged.

"OK, usually… it's not really better. But I can make it, even if I have to fake sometimes. And I try not to notice the angry looks at me. I'm good at it."

"That bothers you still?" Sara softly asked.

Willow sighed. She could feel the tears coming up, and she tried not to cry. She was really becoming the weeping-type.

"I can't... I can't prevent people from being afraid of me. I can understand, and I think I deserve it. But it's... it's difficult to deal with... with these looks."

"I know, Willow. What you're going through... it's not supposed to be an easy way. But you're not alone; We're here, I'm here, and Giles, and Miss Harkness too. You can talk to us. Whenever you want. You know that, right?"

Willow nodded. Tears were now running down her cheeks.

Sara sighed. "Not eating… not sleeping… that is not a solution…if you try to punish yourself, it's not worth it…"

"It's not that," Willow said. "It's not that, Sara, I promise. But…I can't… and I'm so afraid…about what could happened, about the dreams I could have if I sleep… well I mean the nightmares…"

"It's a normal reaction," Sara said. "And you know, you won't be able to avoid some nightmares. You'll probably have to deal with them."

She handed the mug to Willow.

"First, you're going to drink that. It's the potion I told you about. It's a very powerful one. You should sleep… the time you need to rest fully. It depends on the condition of your health."

"And that means?" a puzzled Willow asked.

"That means you might sleep maybe one full day, or who knows, more."

"But I'm gonna wake up finally, right?" Willow asked with a small voice, a voice which sounded like younger Willow's.

Sara smiled. At least the redhead seemed to have given up thoughts of death.

"You will wake up, of course. And, Willow... you will have a nice surprise then."

Sara saw the emerald green eyes widen, and the young American's face lit up in a brief smile.

"Really? A... a surprise ?...for me? What is it?"

"Oh, you know what we say. A surprise won't be a surprise anymore if you talk about it before it happens. So the only thing I can tell you, is that it might please you. Really."

Sara gently gave a little flick on Willow's cheek, which was still wet from the tears.

And then Sara saw, for the first time ever, the ghost of the famous michevious smile - the Willowy smile Giles told her about so many times, and even if it was just for a few seconds, the English Witch knew that was a first victory.

The two young women remained silent for a little while, as if they were holding the precious moment that just had happened.

"But about this surprise... Willow finally said. "It's you... it's you and Giles who made it, right?"

"Yes, and Miss Harkness too. But don't dwell on it, I won't tell you more. Above all, you have to drink the potion now. No bye-byes, no surprise."

Willow frowned.

"Hey, come on, I'm not a child anymore."

"Really?" Sara teased. "Sorry, I thought you were. American girls... real kids, you know."

"Oh sure, you English girls, are so more mature," Willow replied before realizing. She bit her tongue. She was teasing Sara, her tutor, one of the most powerful Witches of the Coven, like she used to tease her old friends Buffy or Dawn.

But Sara didn't seemed shocked, not at all. She nodded once to encourage Willow to drink the potion which was beginning to get cold.

The readhead obeyed her tutor, and couldn't help grimacing.

"It's not really tasty, I know," Sara said. "I guess that's why it's so efficient."

Willow smiled. "They told you to say that, didn't they?" she whispered.

"Busted" Sara said blinking.

Willow bravely drank the whole beverage, and held the empty mug to Sara.

"How long will it take ? Before I fall asleep?"

"A few minutes maybe, but it can take more time if you're... tough."

"Oh," Willow said. "Well, so I guess it will take some time. I'm said to be a tough girl. A pigheaded so and so, according to my friends."

"Hum, why I'm not even surprised?" Sara smiled.

She was heading to the door when she heard Willow calling her back.

"Sara.."

"Yes ?"

"Can you... can you please, stay until I fall asleep ? Please?"

Sara looked at the young Witch. She seemed so tired, but so hopefull too. And that was new. And that was good.

"Okay, then" she said. She sat on the edge of the bed, and Willow tucked up to give her some space. Sara leaned with her back against the wall, and looked at Willow. Even with her eyes shut, she seemed focused, on her guard.

"Let it go, Willow,"Sara gently said. "Let it go..."

Without opening her eyes, Willow nodded once.

Sara was ready to stay there all night, if it could help Willow. But surprisingly, it only took a few minutes for the redhead to sink into sleep.

A smiling Sara listened for a while to the peaceful breath of the young Witch, before slipping silently out of the room.

Willow opened her eyes and blinked. She looked at her watch, and was a little disappointed to see that she had only slept for one hour. "This potion, no big deal after all," she thought.

She felt surprisingly better though, as if her body was now rid of the tension she had been living with for weeks. She streched, and realized with satisfaction that her back didn't hurt any more, and the headache was gone, too. Maybe Sara's remedy was a little effective, after all.

She got up, and headed to the bathroom. She opened the tap and let the cold water run on her fingers. Then she looked at herself in the mirror. What she saw surprised her. She still looked sad, but less tired, and her face seemed smoother.

Her eyes, however, were still pale, far from their original emerald color. And her red hair, once so bright, was now dull. And definitely too long, she realized. When was the last time she had it cut ? "You really, really need a haircut," she thought, to her own surprise.

"OK, Rosenberg. You lost your love, you almost destroyed the world, your friends hate you, well maybe not Xander, but your other friends, and all you're thinking about is going to the hairdresser. Really appropriate."

She couldn't help but smile to herself. She suddenly remembered this quote she had learnt during Philosophy class, a couple of years ago, it was from a French or Romanian philosopher: "Humour is the politeness of despair." Or something like that.

"That's so right,"she thought. "I did not understand what he meant at first, but I sure do now. God, that man knew what he was talking about."

She got out of the bathroom and went to her wardrobe. She grabbed a jacket, one that Giles had given her. They had left so quickly, she had almost nothing when they arrived at the Coven, not even a toilet bag. Willow realized, while looking at her wardrobe, that she had hardly put on any of the clothes that Giles have bought for her. Since her first day at the Coven, she had dressed the same almost everyday: a pair of black jeans, and a dark shirt. Clothing wasn't really a concern.

She put on the jacket, which was a dark velvet one, with a sheepskin collar. Maybe a little too warm for the season. But she was in England now, after all, not in California anymore. And strangely, the weather seemed to be much cooler since she fall asleep.

She left her room, and headed to the dining hall, which was in the east wing, downstairs. For the first time for what seemed like ages, she was hungry. Really hungry.

The Coven's lobbies were empty. And no noise came from the dining hall. "It must be late," Willow realized, "the students are probably in their room or studying in the Library."

But she was so hungry she was even ready to implore the Coven's employees, if she had to, to get something to eat.

She entered the near dark and quiet dining hall and suddenly froze. He was there. Giles. Sitting at a table, motionless, and looking at her. In front of him, on the table, she saw a plate, and two glasses, one was empty and the other filled with something that looked like red wine.

She slowly moved near the table, hesitating, but Giles smiled at her.

"Good evening, Will."

She started at his unexpected use of the nickname the rest of the Scoobies normally employed. Them, but not Giles. That was probably the first time he'd called her that.

"Good... good evening, Giles," she mumbled while sitting in front of him.

The Englishman looked carefully at her, and smiled.

"You seem... better. Relaxed, at last. Sara's potion worked, I guess."

"I... I think so, yes," Willow stammered. "I... I feel a lot better. That's surprising, though, because I only slept for an hour or so."

Giles' laughter resonated beyond the empty dining hall. Willow looked at him, amazed. What was so funny?

"Willow," Giles finally said, after having cleaning his glasses, the very gesture he had made so often in Sunnydale. "Willow, you've slept two whole days. And not an hour."

"Rea... really?" asked the astonished young Witch. "But which day is it, exactly?"

"It's Wenesday evening. If you remember, Sara gave you the potion on Monday evening."

"Wednesday?" Willow was stunned. "Wow, I believe I really needed to rest."

"That was the point," Giles said. He was looking serious again. "I'm so happy to see that... that you're feeling better" he finally added. "So, did you sleep well ? No... no bad dreams?"

"No dreams. And... no nightmares either," Willow added with a grin.

The Watcher smiled, relieved.

"Now, I guess you're really hungry?"

"A big yes to that question," Willow admitted with a tiny smile. She looked at the empty plate and glass, and frowned.

"Giles, were you... were you waiting for me? I mean, how did you know how long I was going to sleep?"

"I didn't know,"Giles answered. "Sara told me that the potion would probably be efficient, but we had no way to know how long it would last. Sara and I simply checked by your room, several times a day. It was good to see you sleeping so peacefully. And I told the Coven's employees to set the table for you, at every lunch and dinner. I've simply waited for you. There was no hurry."

Willow looked down. "Giles..." she softly said. She didn't know how to thank the Watcher. This man she had deeply wounded, in his flesh and in his soul, still loved her like a dear friend, a father maybe.

A lump seemed to form in her throat, then again. If only she could find the words to tell him how moved she was. But she couldn't. Not yet.

"Willow," Giles softly said. "We'll talk later, if you don't mind. But first, would you do me the pleasure of eating a real meal, for once?"

He gestured towards the kitchen, and almost immediatly, one of the Coven's servants entered the room with a smoking tureen, some bread, and a plate with a typical English meal, "bangers and mash." Willow was relieved to see this plate was for Giles, not for her. She was beginning to like England, but not yet all the culinary specialities.

Giles served Willow a full plate of soup, and dug into his own dish with an appetite. Willow stared at him, realizing the Watcher hadn't probably eaten much, nor slept, during the last weeks. He seemed thiner, probably lost several pounds. And that too, was because of her, she thought guiltily.

Aware of her gaze, Giles looked at the redhead and gently smiled. He pointed out his plate.

"Maybe you'd like this? instead of the good, old soup of the Coven? It was made especially for you, you know, I told them you needed some strenght back."

And then Willow smiled for the second times in two days. A real Willow smile.

"Oh, no thank you," she said. "That thing..." she grinned, looking at Giles' plate. "I'd rather..." she was about to say "I'd rather die," but finally choose to say "I'd rather swim back all the way to America!"

"That's what I thought. You don't know what you're missing, though," Giles said with seriousness.

He looked at her while she was eating her soup, to the last spoonful, and then wiping her plate with the bread, and then eating it, to the last piece.

She was thirsty too, and she drank three glasses of water in a row, while Giles had some wine.

Then the servant brought them some cheese, and Willow grinned when she saw it was some Cheddar, with crackers.

She glanced at Giles, who seemed close to laughter.

"I promise, Willow," he said. "I didn't choose the menu. I only asked for the most... energizing meal for you. I guess Cheddar has to be a part of it."

He knew, of course, that the readhead disliked all kinds of cheese. Especially Cheddar.

"Well, OK then," the Witch said with bravery. "So, Cheddar it is. But only if you have some, Giles," she added with mischevious eyes.

And they tasted the cheese, and to her own surprise Willow liked it, it wasn't so bad, not at all, and the crackers were definitely good.

When they'd eaten everything, a serious Giles put his right hand on Willow's, and gently said: "Willow, do you remember what Sara told you on Monday ? About a surprise?"

"Oh," Willow said, realizing she had totally forgotten. "Oh, I didn't think... but yes, of course, I do, I mean I remember." She felt her heart racing. She was anxious and eager at the same time.

"It's... it's a good surprise, Giles, isn't it?" she asked with a tiny voice.

"That... you will decide yourself," Giles answered. "But I would say... yes, it is."

He stood up, took a step back and pointed out a small door that was leading right to the Coven's gardens. This door was usually closed, but this time it was open, and Willow could already feel the coldness of the night.

She took a glance at the starry sky and shivered.

"Someone is waiting for you," Giles simply said.

She recognized him immediately, even though she first saw him from behind. She knew it could only be him, his outline was so distinct, and there was this familiar scruffy hair, just another color.

And he smelt her, of course, the werewolf in him had detected her essence since his arrival at the Coven, and almost before that, because he could still smell her for miles around. Willow. Willow's smell, firmly rooted in his memory. Was it forever? Despite the years, despite the distance. Despite their lost love.

He turned back and smiled at her. She moved closer, hesitating, and he noticed she was shivering. He looked carefully at her. She wasn't the same girl. She was still Willow, with the red hair and the sweet freckles, but she wasn't his Willow anymore; Obviously this girl had been through a lot recently, a lot of pain and sadness, that was written in her eyes.

She could feel his glance on her, and she looked down, embarrassed.

"Oz," she softly said.

"Yeah" the tousled haired boy said. He didn't know what to add. The silence was beginning to get awkward, so he came near Willow, and simply hugged her. She was trembling all over, until he said in her ear: "it's okay, Will."

He felt her relaxing a little, and she leaned her forehead against his.

"Oz...how..." she whispered.

"Shush," he grinned. "Please just come with me."

He took her by the hand and they went to the back of the garden, which was plunged in darkness.

They sat on a small wall that divided the terrace. He was still holding her hand tight.

She looked at him, there were so many questions in her eyes. He knew that, but he just smiled. He still was not that talkative. Unlike her, she thought. Well, unlike her before, the former Willow.

As if he had guessed her thoughts, and that too, hadn't changed much, he cleared his throat and softly asked:

"Willow, you're probably wondering why I'm here. I.. I was aware of your presence here, since your arrival."

He could read the amazement in her eyes, and maybe the sorrow, so he quickly added:

"But Giles and Miss Harkness asked me not to contact you. Not for the beginning, at least."

"You... you've met Miss Harkness ? And you know about the Coven?"

Oz smiled, and squeezed Willow's hand.

"Of course. I've spent some time here, before when..."

He broke off, because both of them knew what he was talking about. The time when he was trying to master the beast inside him. The werewolf who almost killed Willow once, and their friends.

"Well, to sum up... let's say I've taken a lot of classes and potions and... I guess I succedeed," Oz added with a grin.

"No... no more wolfie?" asked Willow. "Even on full moon nights? And... and even when you're near me?"

"Even," a proud Oz said. "See?" He squeezed her hand. "You, me, and the moon. And everything's all right." He pointed out the sky, and for the first time that night Willow saw the moon. Round and bright. Undeniably full.

She felt her heart racing, that was so unbelievable, and great. And then memories came back to her mind, roughly. She remembered that other full moon night. That night he had came back to Sunnydale for her. That night she had told him she'd chosen Tara. And not him.

Oz saw Willow's chin trembling, tears beginning to fill her green eyes. He leaned closer to her, looking for her gaze.

"Will... look at me. I remember too. And... I know. Believe me, I know."

"You can't really know, Oz. How much it hurts. Having lost her for ever, I can't... Oz, did Giles tell you? What happened?"

"Yes," Oz gently said. "Giles told me, about... about Tara, and for the rest. I'm... I'm really, deeply sorry, Will. But I wanted to tell you... I know you feel guilty, but you really shouldn't."

Will took a deep breath. "It's not only that. The guilt... I'm learning to cope with it. And as strange as it may sounds now, I'm beginning to live with it. But... but the pain..."

"Yes?" asked Oz.

"It's... I don't know how to explain... it's so... overwhelming... it's like, I don't feel alive. When I arrived here, last month, I don't know if I wanted to die, but the fact is...I did not want to live. Not after what happened. Not... not without her."

Oz sighed.

"You know, Will," he said carefully. "I'm not sure of much. But I try to guess how you must be feeling. And... you know... I will always be there for you. Not only during full moon nights," he added with a small grin.

Willow smiled between the tears.

"You're so kind, Oz. I... I'm really glad you're here, you know. But I must be honest with you, not like before."

She wiped her tears with her sleeve, and stared at him. He smiled bravely. She sure still had the power to make him feel all moved.

"Go ahead, Will. Whatever it is, I'm ready."

"I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know who I am, Oz. And... I'm sure I won't be able to love someone anymore, anytime. A women, or... or a man. See," she sniffed. "Even that. I don't know if I'm gay, or not. Nothing really new here, you'll tell me."

"Will, I don't think that's the problem now" Oz said after a silence. "You... you know I still love you. But I'm not expecting anything right now. The important thing is... for your heart..."

"Not to be totally broken," Willow ended. "I can't guarantee that, really I can't."

They remained silent for a while, looking at the stars which seemed brighter than before. Oz's mind was racing, trying to find out the words that could, maybe, help her a little.

And then, to his own surprise, Willow had a weak smile and pointed out some stars in the sky.

"You see that one ? That constellation?"

"Yes, it's... Cassiopeia, if I'm not wrong."

"The Big Pineapple," Willow firmly said.

"What?"

The young Witch looked at her former boyfriend.

"Tara used to call these stars... the Big Pineapple. She has... she had, sort of, her own names, for each constellation. She said it was because she couldn't remember the real names, but I know this was because she thought it was more poetic to... to create some names."

Oz took a glance at Willow, who had her head up, looking at the sky. He saw her damp eyes, and her half-smile, too. For the first time that night, he could feel the warmth of her hand in his. Maybe the former Willow wasn't dead, after all.

"Tell me the others," he softly said.

Willow startled. "The others what?"

"The other names. The ones Tara used to name the stars with..."

Willow smiled, and this time it was a real, broad smile. She pointed out each star to him, one after another, telling him all the strange and poetic names once found by the blonde Wiccan. Short Man Looking Uncomfortable, Moose Getting a Sponge Bath, and Little Pile O'Crackers. She hadn't forgotten a single one. She even added some names of her own.

The night was getting colder, but that didn't bother them, they could feel the warmth between them, like a link once broken and now restored.

And Willow could feel, for the first time since she was in England, the noose around her heart come loose. She could almost feel Tara's spirit, surrounding her. For the first time since the death of her soulmate, she was feeling alive. Not completly. But so much more than the past weeks.

When she finally stopped, after having re-named each constellation, Oz leaned over her and softly said in her ear:

"Myself, I know who you are. You're Willow. And you always will be."

**THE END**

_**Author's notes:** A big thank you to Garner Johnson, who was kind enough to read my story, who helped me a lot with his piece of advice, and of course who corrected the silly grammar or/and spelling mistakes I still make. Thank you, Garner, you're the best (not to mention you're the author of the wonderful "Journal of Tara Maclay")._

_Well, I hope you liked this lil' story, folks. It's my first fanfic ever, so I promise I will do better next time ! But I really needed to write that. _


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